I’m sure you have heard the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” My mom used to say that to my siblings and me when we were young. I’m sure I said it to our girls while they were growing up. "Yeah, yeah", you may say, "nice platitude to tell your kids, but I don't think too much about that one now." But God has weighed in on that one too, not just Mom. He says in Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who will listen.”
How do we apply that verse in marriage? It’s hard to keep unwholesome talk from coming out of my mouth when I am irritated with my spouse. How can I hold my hurtful words back? I would say the answer is to build some spiritual muscle and employ of one of the fruits of the Spirit: self control. Ask yourself if what you are about to say will improve the situation or just make you feel better because you vented. And did that vent build up your spouse or tear down and hurt feelings? And did you feel better after you said it?
When you are married, you are a team and when one of you is down, the team suffers. We need to practice building each other up, not tearing down. And like any other thing we practice, we have to make a choice to make the effort. It’s so easy to just spout off and react to a negative situation, but it takes self control and being intentional to say something that will improve the situation. After a little practice, this comes a lot easier.
I had a recent conversation with my grand daughter and we were talking about pleasing God by treating others with love. She said that she wouldn’t be able to always do that because she isn’t perfect. At first I acknowledged that none of us are perfect and of course she wouldn’t always get it right. But as the conversation continued, I realized that she was using that as an excuse. I thought about how often we as adults try that one on. I don’t find anywhere in Scripture where God gives us that out. Can you imagine facing God and saying, “Well, I said some pretty rough things to the person you entrusted me with to honor and cherish but, hey, I’m not perfect.”
Notice that this verse says to build others up according to their needs, not our needs. How often in a conflict are we thinking of the needs of our spouse, or are we just thinking about how I didn’t get what I wanted? I’m not saying this is easy. But when your spouse does something that irritates you, can you just pause to try and understand where this is coming from? And maybe give a little grace?
Communication is so very important to marriage, but if it is done in a way that tears down and inflicts emotional injury, that is only one-sided communication. I have communicated to you that you are not meeting my expectations. Not the best for building up your marriage. Just pause and think before you say it. Will this be beneficial for both of us? Then we both win.
I’m sure you have heard the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” My mom used to say that to my siblings and me when we were young. I’m sure I said it to our girls while they were growing up. "Yeah, yeah", you may say, "nice platitude to tell your kids, but I don't think too much about that one now." But God has weighed in on that one too, not just Mom. He says in Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who will listen.”
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