Performance Review

I heard someone speaking of marriage a couple of weeks ago and I loved what he said. It went something like this: “If it’s legal and moral, do everything you can to make your spouse happy.” To be clear, he was talking about giving of ourselves rather than material things. Gifts are great, but gifts should never take the place of giving something much more difficult—to relinquish our own desire to please ourselves for the benefit of pleasing our spouse. In other words, put your spouse first.

Are you willing to invest more to your marriage and sacrifice your own desires to please the one you love? Is there something your spouse needs from you that you can do better at providing? Maybe it’s a little dose of thoughtfulness. Maybe it’s to communicate a little better or to share your thoughts. Maybe it’s to ask what is going on in your honey’s life. Maybe it’s to show respect a little more often. Maybe it’s to stop being so critical. Maybe it’s simply to sit down and spend some face-to-face and heart-to-heart together. Maybe it’s a little more intimacy. We have goals and check-ups on every other area of our lives. Why not a check on how I’m doing as a husband or wife?

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a devoted Elvis fan. But there is a song he used to sing that has got me crazy when I think about the words to it. You’ve heard it, it’s called “You Were Always On My Mind.” The words to the song sank in one day not too long ago—“Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have. Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have. Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time. You were always on my mind.”

Seriously? This is a sad and ridiculous song when you realize the regret and the opportunities missed. The song goes on: “Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times. And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine. If I make you feel second best, girl, I'm sorry, I was blind. You were always on my mind.”

This is pretty extreme, and I’m sure it’s nothing like your relationship. But I know that things can and do end up in broken promises and disregarded vows for couples far too many times. It happens slowly and unintentionally. Like that frog in boiling water. It’s so important to keep your spouse front and center and not take the one you love the most for granted. And it’s so important that the one you love the most is not yourself!

Practice the art of self-giving and try to think up little things that will please your spouse. It can be a fun game you play with yourself that could become a habit for life. Thoughtfulness doesn’t need to be expensive, and it should be a way of life. How important it is for your children to see this modeled by their parents! It makes for a happy and healthy home.

Examine your attitude on a regular basis to make sure you have not begun the bad habit of being critical. This can be out loud or internal. Either way, it’s toxic and leads to discontent. You are responsible for your attitude and you can make it go either way. God is ready and willing to help on that one!

It’s a good idea to have heart-to-hearts on a regular basis and get an evaluation of how your partner is feeling about things in general. Often, just verbalizing feelings can be helpful, and it’s so important in communication. I believe we call that being assertive. Your spouse should never feel second best. You should be giving your best!

Finally, here is real inspiration for putting your honey first:

Philippians 2:3–4: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Don’t be like Elvis. It didn’t end well. 

In Training

I used to play tennis all the time. I loved playing singles, maybe because I knew that if I messed up I was the one to blame and I alone was affected by my mistakes or laziness. Playing doubles was harder, because I was accountable to someone else and I had to be aware of how my actions affected my partner. Lately, I have been relating the game of doubles to marriage. Kerry and I always refer to a married couple as a team, on the same side, with the same goal of a thriving marriage. In order for a team to excel, it needs to train.

 The first thing I did when I became interested in tennis was to begin taking lessons from someone who knew how to play the sport. I was never an athlete growing up, and the whole sports thing was foreign to me. So it really wasn’t natural for me to use correct form or even to make a great effort to hit that little ball. It took work to develop the correct form and strategy to win a match. So my coach was there to point out times when I would make mistakes or when I would not make enough effort to get the win. I didn’t get mad at him for pointing my mistakes out—I was paying him. Improving my game was a priority to me.

I have always wondered why married people put very little effort into learning how to be better at marriage. Just like sports was not natural for me, I think living with another person and sharing an unselfish life is not a natural thing. If I want to improve my relationship, I have to be intentional. I have to practice, and tips and instruction are always beneficial and inspirational. There are great podcasts, books, videos, and counselors available for married people and yet most don't take advantage of these resources.

When I first began to take lessons on doubles, our coach would tell me to imagine that there is a cord connecting me to my partner. When one moves, the other moves in tandem. As partners, we would need to stay on our toes and be aware of what the other one was doing, covering the court wisely so that our opponents couldn’t smash the ball in between us. We would move together with the same goal. I also believe this is important in raising children. So often parents don’t move together—and the child certainly knows it, often using it to his or her own advantage. Makes it pretty easy for the enemy’s ball to get into the court.

It was crucial for me to have a right relationship with my partner, and when I made mistakes, I would own them and try my best to improve. I also would encourage her when she was having a bad game and tell her that I believed in her. She was on MY team; it was wise that I would encourage and support her, because that was the best way for her to shake off the funk she was in. If I rolled my eyes when she messed up or criticized her, she would probably lose even more confidence. I remember women who would blame their partners for everything that went wrong and never take responsibility. Most people did not want those women for partners. A lot of pride was involved there, along with selfishness and unwillingness to cooperate.

Be a good partner! Stay connected to your spouse. Keep the cord of communication between you healthy and strong. Get help from a coach if you need it. It is such a good idea to find a couple whose marriage you admire and ask them to invest in your marriage. Be a good team player. The win is big: a strong, healthy, fun marriage!

Proverbs 13:10 (NIV), “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

To Know Him is to Love Him

What treasures are available to the ones of us who are followers of Jesus! His purpose is for us to not only have life, but he wants us to have abundant life. All too often people who consider themselves followers of Christ don’t experience lives of peace and joy and power. We keep struggling with the same relational issues or bad habits. Self-awareness and some effort on our part is key to experiencing abundant life.

We have the amazing opportunity to utilize the many prayers that are in the Bible for ourselves and for our loved ones. Through the years I have often used Scripture to pray for my husband and my children. One of my favorites is found in Philippians 1:9–11 (NASB). “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ; having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.” 

I love that word “abound.” It’s a happy word, a generous word. When love abounds, things seem pretty good. The most important command that Jesus gives us is to love God and to love one another. The word abounding sounds pretty close to abundant, doesn’t it? If we have abounding love for God and for each other, we experience abundant life! Paul says that our love will abound when we have real knowledge of God. With that knowledge we are able to have discernment.

In Colossians 1:9–10 (NIV) Paul says: “For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God . . .” 

We also find that grace and peace come with knowledge of God. “Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:2–3 (NIV)

Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane reveals another compelling benefit of knowing God. “Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” John 17:3 (NIV) Did you ever think of eternal life as knowing God?

So—with knowing God we get the benefits of wisdom and understanding, we learn how to please God, we bear fruit for God, we get to know him better and better, we get peace in abundance, everything we need to live a godly life, and we have eternal life. These are but a few of the benefits we have when we know and follow God. Why would seeking to know God not be our first priority?

These passages also say that we are to be blameless. How concerned are we with becoming blameless? What does that even mean? The word “blameless” occurs often in the Bible.When God called Abraham into relationship with him, he was very specific: “When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to him and said, “I am God Almighty; walk before me faithfully and be blameless” Gen. 17:1 (NIV). 

Strong defines the word for blameless in this verse as without blemish, complete, full, perfect, sincere, sound, without spot, undefiled, upright, whole. In the above passage from Philippians, the word for blameless is defined as inoffensive (not leading others into sin) and faultless (not led into sin). 

So how do we get to know God and how do we live our lives to be blameless? If you are a follower of Jesus, you have the Holy Spirit of God living in you, connecting you to him and capable of empowering you to live the life he wants you to live. What an amazing thought! God desires a relationship with us and he has made it easy for us by providing the way for that to happen. He requires holiness and blamelessness from us and he also provides a way (the only way) for us to achieve it. What an awesome God! It’s like saying, “I love you and I want you to succeed, so I am going to do everything I can to make that happen.”

What does all this have to do with marriage? I believe the way to have the best relationship with your spouse is by knowing God and pleasing him. It is the way to have victory over bad habits, bad attitudes, and bad communication. It is a way to be able to treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. It is a bond of closeness with each other that you can only find in your mutual love and pursuit of your Savior. It is a model for your children to see and to give them the foundation they will need to learn to be blameless before him. It is the true key to life and peace and joy. And I pray that for all of you—that your love will abound still more and more for each other.

The Eyes Are the Windows to Your Soul

It is amazing how easily accessible pornography is these days. You almost don’t even have to be searching for it and it’s there, luring you to partake. Remember the stories of Sirens, who lured sailors into dangerous waters and they were lost? Are you being careful with what you are looking at and listening to? What you allow into your mind and spirit is so very important in keeping your heart clean and your marriage healthy. Pornography is not only incredibly accessible, it is constantly in your face. It is like an insidious virus, running rampant. While you might think it is unimportant and not a big deal, before you know it, you are infected. Do you want to stay healthy? You have to be intentional about what you put in your body. The same thing applies to your mind and spirit. What may seem insignificant to you could lead you through doors you never thought you would enter. It is not safe to play around with, and you should absolutely get help if you struggle with the temptation.

There is a famous story in the Bible about how quickly life can get out of control. It is the story of King David and his affair with Bathsheba. It all started with what David allowed his eyes to see as he watched her bathing on her rooftop. You know the story and that it ends very painfully for David. It didn’t just affect him, it affected all those around him for many years to come. He didn’t set out to destroy lives, but it happened with what began as a seemingly innocent visual. In Psalm 51 David cries out to God about his transgression: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” Psalm 51:10 (NIV).

There are so many times when I consider the “rules” God has set in place for us to follow that seem counterintuitive to us but really only lead to freedom. As I was thinking about this topic and of the benefits of purity in a sexual relationship, I decided to look up the definition of the word purity: freedom from guilt or evil, innocence. Freedom! And the opposite of freedom is bondage. That is exactly what happens when the tentacles of pornography wrap around the mind of a person. God wants the sexual relationship of a married couple to thrive and be enjoyed. It is a vital part of marriage, and you should be intentional to protect it, to nurture it.

If you, as a husband, are viewing pornography, you are harming your own mind and spirit. If your wife knows that you are doing this, you are doing damage to her self esteem and her trust and respect for you. A woman feels devalued when her husband chooses to look at other women with lust, even if they are only pictures of women. A marriage should mean security, safety, a refuge from the arrows of the world. All of that is threatened when pornography is introduced in the relationship. And believe me, it affects both partners in the marriage.

Women are not exempt from this area of sin. The popularity of the novel and subsequent movie Fifty Shades of Grey is a sad testament to how desensitized people have become. God created sex as a wonderful bond and pleasure for a married couple. Media like this destroys the possibility of purity between a couple, which is exactly what Satan wants. It can also cause dissatisfaction in a relationship if a spouse is compared to a fictional character and he or she doesn’t measure up.

"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace" Romans 8:6 (NIV). In this verse, the word flesh is not referring to pornography, it is referring to how we live apart from God, on our own and not dependent on him. But I think this fits right in with what happens to a person when pornography is introduced into his or her life. It is powerful. It is addictive. It is a destroyer. It has no place in a marriage centered on God. Don’t be lured by the Sirens.

Put 'Em Up

                                            

When I’m right, I’m right. I can’t tell you how many times I have dug in during an argument with Kerry for just that reason. It feels good to be right. Or does it? I think I may have been cursed with the stubborn gene. Or maybe it’s pride. Well, that may be a little too close to admitting sin.

I think God has been trying to teach me in the last year that my belief that I have the “right to be right” just might not be doing me any good. Oh, I can hold onto it and maybe even convince myself that I have won that one, but my relationship and my reputation may have eroded just a tad. Truth to tell, I don’t really want to be thought of as uncompromising and arrogant, expecting to have it my way.

So when we are in a disagreement, how do we know whether to give in and listen to the other side or to hunker down and insist that we are right? I want to be heard! Assertiveness and active listening is so vital in a thriving relationship.

Here are some things to try and put into practice:

· If you are feeling heated and emotional, it probably is not a good time to get into the argument. When my children were little and I was really angry with them, I knew that I needed to calm down, so I would send them to the bathroom to wait for me. It gave me a chance to de-fuse so I didn’t do anything I would regret. Why shouldn’t I also do that for my dearest love? It takes a lot of self-control not to lash out and say what is on my mind, but I would be so much better off.

· Make a point to discuss what is bothering you when you are both in a receptive mood. I know that Kerry’s mind consists of boxes and he is often in one that doesn’t include me at the moment. I almost always ask him to listen to me when he can leave the box he is in. I want his full attention.

· Realize that your spouse is 99% not likely to be doing whatever is bothering you for the purpose of bothering you. In other words, expect the best from him or from her. Give the benefit of the doubt. I still believe that Kerry can read my mind after all these years of knowing he can’t. I keep thinking, “He should know . . .”

· Really examine your heart to see if what you are upset about is really that big of a deal. Little things that bother you—can you shrug it off and not dwell on it, giving it more of a status than it deserves? As a mom of a teenager, I can remember yelling at my daughter while thinking at the same time that I don’t really even care that much about what I was yelling about. Looking back, I think that was the Holy Spirit urging me to shut up.

· Try to look at his or her side of the matter as well as your own. Doesn’t it make sense to empathize with the person you are closest to? Remember, this is a team thing and you aren’t the only one on it. It’s not all about me.

· Always treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. Don’t be condescending or critical or demeaning. Consider how you would feel if you were talked to in the tone or with the words you are using. It might sound manipulative, but do you really think you are going to achieve the results you want by being antagonistic? That’s not smart. You draw good things with honey (I don’t like flies).

Remember, it is perfectly normal to have conflict. It’s how you recover and grow toward each other that is important.

Hurry Home

How do you greet each other at the end of a busy day? Does your body language as well as your words show that you are glad to see your spouse? Many of you know that I have a rule that Kerry has to kiss me goodbye and hello when he leaves and when he gets home. It kind of grounds us and forces us to be in the same space. Often times, when he gets home, I am upstairs in my “woman cave” and really don’t want to stop what I am doing. I make the choice (most of the time) to put away what I am doing and come down to greet him. I want him to know I am glad to see him. When the girls were little, they would always run in and yell, “Daddy’s home!” I hope that made him feel special. I want him to feel special. Always.

Many of you have children, and boy, does life get crazy and packed and tired and absorbed. Heck, even without children life gets that way. We never have enough time to do all the things on the list. I think the term “quality time” has lost some meaning, but just being in the same room together doesn’t mean you are together. Are you talking to each other? Are you asking questions that matter? Are you giving your full attention to your spouse and doing it often? Or are you mostly looking at your phone, on your computer, watching television, or doing chores? There is nothing wrong with any of that, just so you are balancing it with making your spouse feel like he or she is respected and cherished.

Kerry always says that you should never give each other the leftovers at the end of the day. We give our best to each other. That is not always easy. Sometimes it is just a choice.

With more and more distractions on computers and smartphones and television, you can quickly get out of the habit of talking. You need to find creative ways to spend time together talking and laughing. When Kerry and I were younger, we used to play Backgammon. It was lots of fun looking at each other and laughing together. You are married people. Think of creative ways to play. What a great reason to hurry home!

Thankful

Today is Kerry’s birthday. I said to him this morning that this might be my favorite day, because this is the date he was born. Saying that out loud made me think about how I don’t want to ever take my husband for granted. I mean he is here day in and day out. Has been for a long time. It would be easy to take it all for granted.

I know when I was in my twenties and thirties I really didn’t think much about being thankful for him. I was just busy doing life and raising children. And, of course, he was always there. As I have gotten older, I think regularly about how precious each and every day is and what a gift my husband is to me. I think it’s something young people should learn early on—being grateful and appreciative of the little things. It makes life so much more fun to stop and be grateful and to express thanks—to God and to each other.

So today we celebrate the date Kerry was born. And tomorrow I will celebrate my husband. And the day after that. And the day after that. If you aren’t already, I hope you will get in the habit and practice of celebrating your spouse every day. Don’t let the busyness of life and the habit of expectation get in the way of remembering how precious your marriage is.

I would love to hear about some of the creative ways you have employed this in your marriage!

What Did You Say?

With the stress and pressures that life brings, it is easy to slip into self-focus and not be patient and understanding with our spouses. We can begin to take each other for granted and maybe not be so pleasant to have around. We don’t do it on purpose, or with the intent to hurt our spouses or hurt our relationships, but sometimes we stop treating each other the way we did in the beginning of marriage. Take some time and ask yourself how you are communicating with your spouse. Is it pleasant, engaging, encouraging, uplifting? Is it demanding, whining, irritated, disrespectful, even insulting? How can you set the tone for the environment in your home to be loving and respectful?

Women and men are wired to respond favorably in different ways.  Women thrive on feeling cherished, men on feeling respected. Is that still how things are working in your relationship? Ask yourself before you make a comment: how is this going to be received? Am I going to make things better or worse with this comment? The bottom line is to treat others the way I want to be treated. Am I speaking to my spouse the way I want to be spoken to?

In order for you to be the kind of spouse you want to be, it is so important that you are connected to your energy source: God. The first lesson in 2 to 1 is “Trust God.” The illustration is the triangle diagram, showing how the closer we get to God the closer we are with each other. Are you making sure that you have time with God on a regular basis? That is going to be the most important source for you in all the trials, decisions, happy times, and stressful times for the rest of your lives. Please don’t ever let that slip away.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” Proverbs 1:7 (NIV)