I used to play tennis all the time. I loved playing singles, maybe because I knew that if I messed up I was the one to blame and I alone was affected by my mistakes or laziness. Playing doubles was harder, because I was accountable to someone else and I had to be aware of how my actions affected my partner. Lately, I have been relating the game of doubles to marriage. Kerry and I always refer to a married couple as a team, on the same side, with the same goal of a thriving marriage. In order for a team to excel, it needs to train.
The first thing I did when I became interested in tennis was to begin taking lessons from someone who knew how to play the sport. I was never an athlete growing up, and the whole sports thing was foreign to me. So it really wasn’t natural for me to use correct form or even to make a great effort to hit that little ball. It took work to develop the correct form and strategy to win a match. So my coach was there to point out times when I would make mistakes or when I would not make enough effort to get the win. I didn’t get mad at him for pointing my mistakes out—I was paying him. Improving my game was a priority to me.
I have always wondered why married people put very little effort into learning how to be better at marriage. Just like sports was not natural for me, I think living with another person and sharing an unselfish life is not a natural thing. If I want to improve my relationship, I have to be intentional. I have to practice, and tips and instruction are always beneficial and inspirational. There are great podcasts, books, videos, and counselors available for married people and yet most don't take advantage of these resources.
When I first began to take lessons on doubles, our coach would tell me to imagine that there is a cord connecting me to my partner. When one moves, the other moves in tandem. As partners, we would need to stay on our toes and be aware of what the other one was doing, covering the court wisely so that our opponents couldn’t smash the ball in between us. We would move together with the same goal. I also believe this is important in raising children. So often parents don’t move together—and the child certainly knows it, often using it to his or her own advantage. Makes it pretty easy for the enemy’s ball to get into the court.
It was crucial for me to have a right relationship with my partner, and when I made mistakes, I would own them and try my best to improve. I also would encourage her when she was having a bad game and tell her that I believed in her. She was on MY team; it was wise that I would encourage and support her, because that was the best way for her to shake off the funk she was in. If I rolled my eyes when she messed up or criticized her, she would probably lose even more confidence. I remember women who would blame their partners for everything that went wrong and never take responsibility. Most people did not want those women for partners. A lot of pride was involved there, along with selfishness and unwillingness to cooperate.
Be a good partner! Stay connected to your spouse. Keep the cord of communication between you healthy and strong. Get help from a coach if you need it. It is such a good idea to find a couple whose marriage you admire and ask them to invest in your marriage. Be a good team player. The win is big: a strong, healthy, fun marriage!
Proverbs 13:10 (NIV), “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”
