The Eyes Are the Windows to Your Soul

It is amazing how easily accessible pornography is these days. You almost don’t even have to be searching for it and it’s there, luring you to partake. Remember the stories of Sirens, who lured sailors into dangerous waters and they were lost? Are you being careful with what you are looking at and listening to? What you allow into your mind and spirit is so very important in keeping your heart clean and your marriage healthy. Pornography is not only incredibly accessible, it is constantly in your face. It is like an insidious virus, running rampant. While you might think it is unimportant and not a big deal, before you know it, you are infected. Do you want to stay healthy? You have to be intentional about what you put in your body. The same thing applies to your mind and spirit. What may seem insignificant to you could lead you through doors you never thought you would enter. It is not safe to play around with, and you should absolutely get help if you struggle with the temptation.

There is a famous story in the Bible about how quickly life can get out of control. It is the story of King David and his affair with Bathsheba. It all started with what David allowed his eyes to see as he watched her bathing on her rooftop. You know the story and that it ends very painfully for David. It didn’t just affect him, it affected all those around him for many years to come. He didn’t set out to destroy lives, but it happened with what began as a seemingly innocent visual. In Psalm 51 David cries out to God about his transgression: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” Psalm 51:10 (NIV).

There are so many times when I consider the “rules” God has set in place for us to follow that seem counterintuitive to us but really only lead to freedom. As I was thinking about this topic and of the benefits of purity in a sexual relationship, I decided to look up the definition of the word purity: freedom from guilt or evil, innocence. Freedom! And the opposite of freedom is bondage. That is exactly what happens when the tentacles of pornography wrap around the mind of a person. God wants the sexual relationship of a married couple to thrive and be enjoyed. It is a vital part of marriage, and you should be intentional to protect it, to nurture it.

If you, as a husband, are viewing pornography, you are harming your own mind and spirit. If your wife knows that you are doing this, you are doing damage to her self esteem and her trust and respect for you. A woman feels devalued when her husband chooses to look at other women with lust, even if they are only pictures of women. A marriage should mean security, safety, a refuge from the arrows of the world. All of that is threatened when pornography is introduced in the relationship. And believe me, it affects both partners in the marriage.

Women are not exempt from this area of sin. The popularity of the novel and subsequent movie Fifty Shades of Grey is a sad testament to how desensitized people have become. God created sex as a wonderful bond and pleasure for a married couple. Media like this destroys the possibility of purity between a couple, which is exactly what Satan wants. It can also cause dissatisfaction in a relationship if a spouse is compared to a fictional character and he or she doesn’t measure up.

"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace" Romans 8:6 (NIV). In this verse, the word flesh is not referring to pornography, it is referring to how we live apart from God, on our own and not dependent on him. But I think this fits right in with what happens to a person when pornography is introduced into his or her life. It is powerful. It is addictive. It is a destroyer. It has no place in a marriage centered on God. Don’t be lured by the Sirens.

Put 'Em Up

                                            

When I’m right, I’m right. I can’t tell you how many times I have dug in during an argument with Kerry for just that reason. It feels good to be right. Or does it? I think I may have been cursed with the stubborn gene. Or maybe it’s pride. Well, that may be a little too close to admitting sin.

I think God has been trying to teach me in the last year that my belief that I have the “right to be right” just might not be doing me any good. Oh, I can hold onto it and maybe even convince myself that I have won that one, but my relationship and my reputation may have eroded just a tad. Truth to tell, I don’t really want to be thought of as uncompromising and arrogant, expecting to have it my way.

So when we are in a disagreement, how do we know whether to give in and listen to the other side or to hunker down and insist that we are right? I want to be heard! Assertiveness and active listening is so vital in a thriving relationship.

Here are some things to try and put into practice:

· If you are feeling heated and emotional, it probably is not a good time to get into the argument. When my children were little and I was really angry with them, I knew that I needed to calm down, so I would send them to the bathroom to wait for me. It gave me a chance to de-fuse so I didn’t do anything I would regret. Why shouldn’t I also do that for my dearest love? It takes a lot of self-control not to lash out and say what is on my mind, but I would be so much better off.

· Make a point to discuss what is bothering you when you are both in a receptive mood. I know that Kerry’s mind consists of boxes and he is often in one that doesn’t include me at the moment. I almost always ask him to listen to me when he can leave the box he is in. I want his full attention.

· Realize that your spouse is 99% not likely to be doing whatever is bothering you for the purpose of bothering you. In other words, expect the best from him or from her. Give the benefit of the doubt. I still believe that Kerry can read my mind after all these years of knowing he can’t. I keep thinking, “He should know . . .”

· Really examine your heart to see if what you are upset about is really that big of a deal. Little things that bother you—can you shrug it off and not dwell on it, giving it more of a status than it deserves? As a mom of a teenager, I can remember yelling at my daughter while thinking at the same time that I don’t really even care that much about what I was yelling about. Looking back, I think that was the Holy Spirit urging me to shut up.

· Try to look at his or her side of the matter as well as your own. Doesn’t it make sense to empathize with the person you are closest to? Remember, this is a team thing and you aren’t the only one on it. It’s not all about me.

· Always treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. Don’t be condescending or critical or demeaning. Consider how you would feel if you were talked to in the tone or with the words you are using. It might sound manipulative, but do you really think you are going to achieve the results you want by being antagonistic? That’s not smart. You draw good things with honey (I don’t like flies).

Remember, it is perfectly normal to have conflict. It’s how you recover and grow toward each other that is important.