Put 'Em Up

                                            

When I’m right, I’m right. I can’t tell you how many times I have dug in during an argument with Kerry for just that reason. It feels good to be right. Or does it? I think I may have been cursed with the stubborn gene. Or maybe it’s pride. Well, that may be a little too close to admitting sin.

I think God has been trying to teach me in the last year that my belief that I have the “right to be right” just might not be doing me any good. Oh, I can hold onto it and maybe even convince myself that I have won that one, but my relationship and my reputation may have eroded just a tad. Truth to tell, I don’t really want to be thought of as uncompromising and arrogant, expecting to have it my way.

So when we are in a disagreement, how do we know whether to give in and listen to the other side or to hunker down and insist that we are right? I want to be heard! Assertiveness and active listening is so vital in a thriving relationship.

Here are some things to try and put into practice:

· If you are feeling heated and emotional, it probably is not a good time to get into the argument. When my children were little and I was really angry with them, I knew that I needed to calm down, so I would send them to the bathroom to wait for me. It gave me a chance to de-fuse so I didn’t do anything I would regret. Why shouldn’t I also do that for my dearest love? It takes a lot of self-control not to lash out and say what is on my mind, but I would be so much better off.

· Make a point to discuss what is bothering you when you are both in a receptive mood. I know that Kerry’s mind consists of boxes and he is often in one that doesn’t include me at the moment. I almost always ask him to listen to me when he can leave the box he is in. I want his full attention.

· Realize that your spouse is 99% not likely to be doing whatever is bothering you for the purpose of bothering you. In other words, expect the best from him or from her. Give the benefit of the doubt. I still believe that Kerry can read my mind after all these years of knowing he can’t. I keep thinking, “He should know . . .”

· Really examine your heart to see if what you are upset about is really that big of a deal. Little things that bother you—can you shrug it off and not dwell on it, giving it more of a status than it deserves? As a mom of a teenager, I can remember yelling at my daughter while thinking at the same time that I don’t really even care that much about what I was yelling about. Looking back, I think that was the Holy Spirit urging me to shut up.

· Try to look at his or her side of the matter as well as your own. Doesn’t it make sense to empathize with the person you are closest to? Remember, this is a team thing and you aren’t the only one on it. It’s not all about me.

· Always treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. Don’t be condescending or critical or demeaning. Consider how you would feel if you were talked to in the tone or with the words you are using. It might sound manipulative, but do you really think you are going to achieve the results you want by being antagonistic? That’s not smart. You draw good things with honey (I don’t like flies).

Remember, it is perfectly normal to have conflict. It’s how you recover and grow toward each other that is important.