What's Your Name?

 

When people ask me what my name is, without thinking I answer Sherryl. It’s what I’m called and have been since my mother declared it when I was born. But there is so much more to my name than what people call me or I call myself. In the dictionary, the primary definition of a person’s name is “description or reputation.” It’s how one is viewed by others based on actions and behavior. How do you represent your name to others? Does the way you treat your spouse speak well or ill of your name? 

Throughout the Scripture it is clear that names are a big deal to God. He gave his own name to Moses. This name has always been so revered by the Jewish people that they call him HaShem, which means “The Name,” a euphemism for God. His Name was so respected and valued by his people. When Solomon built the temple, he did it so that God’s Name would inhabit it. (1 Kings 8:29). There are many other names in Scripture describing God to reveal his wonderful and perfect character. The first and most used is Elohim, found in Genesis 1. Among the many of my favorite names for God is El Ro’i, which means “You, God, see me.” Sometimes when I feel alone or small and insignificant, I reflect on this name of my Father (another of his names) and I remember my value and purpose.

The Hebrew people often named their children according to what they believed the child’s character would someday be. Some of these names describe good character and sometimes they are not at all complimentary. Many times names were actually changed to reflect a changed status or the description of an individual. God himself changed Jacob’s (Ya’akov) name to Isra’el, because he had “shown his strength to both God and men and have prevailed” (Genesis 32:29). Jesus gave Simon (Shim’on) the name Peter (Kefa), which means “rock” in Aramaic.

I have been thinking more lately about my own name. It all started when a friend asked me to think of a word that I would describe myself by. That was hard. I do a lot of self examination, but I have never tried to sum me up in one word. If I think of a word that I perceive as a character trait, would others agree with that? What would be the first thing my husband would think of to describe me? My children? My close friends? Acquaintances? People I encounter out in my day to day interactions?

What kind of legacy am I creating for myself right now, day to day, that I will be remembered by? But most importantly, what am I doing every day in my interactions with others that HaShem would be delighted with? The most important thing about my name is that it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life (Rev. 21:27). And as I pondered what my description of myself would be, I thought that when I stand before him I want him to look at me and say, “Well done, you were a good and trustworthy servant” (Matthew 25:21).

Trusting God is at the Top of the Triangle

In every topic regarding marriage, whether communication or intimacy or conflict resolution or finances—trusting God is at the center—or the top of the triangle. So what does trusting God mean and what does it involve? 

We “trust” in cars to get us places, homes to keep us warm and safe, bridges to connect us land to land, airplanes to land in our target destination, friends to be friendly, spouses to be there for us, and so much more. But what did Jesus mean when he called people to trust in him? 

The word faith in Hebrew is emunah. The verbs “to trust” and “believe” have the same root letters. In the Hebrew mind, “to trust” and “to have faith” have the same meaning and are very powerful. Words in Hebrew have so much depth and meaning. We get “Amen” from this word. When we say Amen, we are expressing belief in God’s Word, his faithfulness, and his will. Emunah means to securely trust or rely upon. It implies faithfulness, fidelity, loyalty. It is an active trust. 

The first time this word is found in Scripture it describes Abraham’s relationship with God. Abraham had a profound reliance and dependence on God, to the point of trusting God with his own son. He believed the promises that God had made to him, and his actions displayed that belief. Abraham trusted God with his life—with his son’s life. God declared that Abraham was righteous because of his faith. It's this emunah that enables people to choose God during under persecution. It's this emunah that enables us to seek his will for our lives over our own will. When we say we trust God, we trust in his promises and rely on him and live in his will. It means so much more than intellectual assent. It’s not based on reason. It’s similar to seeing firsthand. 

The miracles and the ministry of Jesus were seen firsthand. He called on the people he interacted with to have faith—to believe in him as the promised Messiah. When we put our trust in Jesus, we also believe the promise that through him we would be made righteous and enter into a personal relationship with God. 

 It’s a dynamic word. Our “emunah” should be so integrated into our lives and in our character that it affects all of our actions. Acts 17:27-28, “Yet he is not far from each one of us, for in him we live and move and have our being.” It should affect all of our relationships—especially our relationship in marriage. 

How can we trust God unless we know him? The more we know him and recall his faithfulness the easier it will be to trust him. His promises, his plans—all of these are for his children to enjoy and depend upon. He has given us his Word so that we can know who he is and know what his promises are. In order for our faith to grow we need to do our part in nurturing our relationship with God. He has created us to know him and he has made a way for us to do it. At his own expense. 

When you read the Bible, look for God’s character. Write down some of the verses that describe him. Memorize verses that inspire you to praise him. It’s a faith-building journey that will never end. And how rich life is when we emunah our great Savior. 

Deuteronomy 32:4, “He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.”

Fear Not

I fear fear. It’s a life-robber. Fear can change us, make us sick, ruin our marriages and, most of all, keep us away from the intimacy with God and the refuge in him that we are designed for. Fear is tangible, powerful, and so very destructive. It can cripple and paralyze. 

Jesus knows that fear is prevalent in the world we live in. While he walked this earth he had more reason to fear than anyone ever had. Yet he gave us the example of courage and strength and purpose by praying constantly to the Father and assuring us of how he cares for us. 

It’s so easy to worry and fear, especially in these uncertain times. But as I write the words “uncertain times,” I realize that any time in history has been uncertain in the aspect of man’s ability to control his own future. The year 2020 has certainly shown itself to be a year out of control. But the good news to one who puts his or her trust in the one true God is that this year does not come as a surprise, and he has not “lost control.” 

Struggling with fear and worry and doubt is common to all of us. That’s why Jesus declared in John 16:33, “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have shalom. In the world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have over come the world!” So whose voice will we choose to listen to? Jesus or the news? Jesus or what people say? Jesus or our own emotions? I have a very annoying app on my phone which every few hours gives me dire updates on the virus, along with lots of other bad news. I could easily succumb to the fear it calls me to. And sometimes I do, for a bit. But that is not the voice I want to listen to. I am going to delete this app. Colossians 3:2 says, “Focus your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” Focus—who or what is our focus? When our thoughts go so easily to what might happen IF, we have to purposely REPLACE them with the truth that God has given us in his Word. Remembering the character and power of God, memorizing scriptures that speak words of comfort and strength, listening to powerful music, reading stories of the faithful that have gone before us are ways to take our thoughts captive. These are all intentional and don’t happen if we don’t make them. 

Ephesians 6:10-17 gives us explicit instructions on how to battle the schemes of the devil, which is exactly where fear comes from. The devil wants to do anything he can to distract us from our focus on Jesus and not live the victorious life meant for followers of Jesus. The world is watching to see how we deal with the challenges and suffering in this life. The most meaningful and lasting lessons I have learned have been either through my own trials or through the attitudes of people I know or have read about in their suffering. Romans 8:18, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” One thing is for sure—there is suffering in this world. But Jesus has overcome the world! And he has glory yet to reveal to us. That is a promise to cling to.

We all have limited time in this earthly life and we are called to make the best out of the time that we have, doing the works that God has prepared beforehand for us. We, as Christians, are called to much more than worry and fear. We are to trust in the One who knew us even before he formed us in our mother’s womb. He has a purpose and a plan for each of our lives. How can we fulfill these if we are walking in fear? If we are so wrapped up and consumed with our own selves, how can we trust the One who has purpose for our lives in doing the work he has prepared? We get to share in partnering with God for work in his kingdom! And his plans are always better than ours, even if they aren’t the plans that make us the most comfortable. 

Maybe the biggest fear we all have is the fear of death, and we know that Jesus took care of that for us. Hebrews 2:14, “Therefore, since the children share in flesh and blood, He himself likewise shared the same humanity—so that through death He might break the power of the one who had the power of death (that is, the devil) and free those who by fear of death were in bondage all their lives.” For a Christian to live in bondage of fear is not the way our Father wants us to live. We must turn unwanted circumstances into thanksgiving. 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “In everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” That means everything. And what a challenge that is! It is a shift in perspective from “my will” to “thy will.” And it is an intentional act. So through prayer, the power of the Holy Spirit, and our own intentional change in heart and attitude we can be overcomers in this world of bad news and struggle.

Proverbs 1:33, “But whoever pays attention to me will live securely.”

Pick Your Fruit

I’m sure you have heard the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” My mom used to say that to my siblings and me when we were young. I’m sure I said it to our girls while they were growing up. "Yeah, yeah", you may say, "nice platitude to tell your kids, but I don't think too much about that one now." But God has weighed in on that one too, not just Mom. He says in Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who will listen.” 

How do we apply that verse in marriage? It’s hard to keep unwholesome talk from coming out of my mouth when I am irritated with my spouse. How can I hold my hurtful words back? I would say the answer is to build some spiritual muscle and employ of one of the fruits of the Spirit: self control. Ask yourself if what you are about to say will improve the situation or just make you feel better because you vented. And did that vent build up your spouse or tear down and hurt feelings? And did you feel better after you said it?

When you are married, you are a team and when one of you is down, the team suffers. We need to practice building each other up, not tearing down. And like any other thing we practice, we have to make a choice to make the effort. It’s so easy to just spout off and react to a negative situation, but it takes self control and being intentional to say something that will improve the situation. After a little practice, this comes a lot easier.

I had a recent conversation with my grand daughter and we were talking about pleasing God by treating others with love. She said that she wouldn’t be able to always do that because she isn’t perfect. At first I acknowledged that none of us are perfect and of course she wouldn’t always get it right. But as the conversation continued, I realized that she was using that as an excuse. I thought about how often we as adults try that one on. I don’t find anywhere in Scripture where God gives us that out. Can you imagine facing God and saying, “Well, I said some pretty rough things to the person you entrusted me with to honor and cherish but, hey, I’m not perfect.”

Notice that this verse says to build others up according to their needs, not our needs. How often in a conflict are we thinking of the needs of our spouse, or are we just thinking about how I didn’t get what I wanted? I’m not saying this is easy. But when your spouse does something that irritates you, can you just pause to try and understand where this is coming from? And maybe give a little grace?

Communication is so very important to marriage, but if it is done in a way that tears down and inflicts emotional injury, that is only one-sided communication. I have communicated to you that you are not meeting my expectations. Not the best for building up your marriage. Just pause and think before you say it. Will this be beneficial for both of us? Then we both win.

Sticks and Stones

“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” I wonder where that phrase originated. Maybe it was a self defense from a bully. While it is true that sticks and stones can break bones, it is certainly false that words can never hurt us. I think in most cases words can hurt more than sticks and stones, because often the body heals quicker and easier than our feelings. I don’t think many of us would throw stones at our spouse or beat him or her with a stick, but how often do we throw hurtful words out without a thought of the effect it will have? I think sometimes it’s because at the time we don’t really care about how it hurts our spouse—maybe we want it to hurt. Conflict is an inevitable part of relationship, but handling it with hurtful words is never a way to resolve it.  

How I treat my spouse is a reflection of what is going on in my heart. It is frightful what lies within my heart when I leave it unchecked and let it go to its own nature. It is always my choice to build up or tear down with my words. James, the brother of Jesus, addressed the power of the tongue in the book of James. He says even though it’s a small part of the body, it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. James 3: 9, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.” 

I have been entrusted with the most intimate of relationships—two becoming one—and God wants me to reflect his love to my spouse. That is huge! So I need to ask myself: how am I doing with what God has entrusted to me—the heart of my spouse? If God is using me to be his voice, speaking his love, am I communicating that in a way that would meet with his approval? I have a choice to make about my words, and the Holy Spirit stands ready and willing to enable me to overcome whatever is driving me to strike out. I have been given grace upon grace from Jesus and I can only respond by giving grace to others, especially my spouse. I want to only speak words that build up, not tear down.

“Let the words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:4 (NIV)

Above and Beyond

Things always work out better when Kerry gets involved, and the pictures above are a perfect example. I love to garden, and Kerry does not. He thinks it’s much more practical to go to the farmer’s market to buy produce, but it’s in my blood to play in the dirt. So when my huge tomato plant fell over the other day, I was in a panic. I asked him to help me get a stake put in to hold the cage upright. He didn’t respond right away, but eventually said he had a plan to secure all the plants so they could grow as high as they wanted to. So it might not look pretty to the observer, but it is beautiful to me.

Things always work out better when Kerry gets involved. In almost every plan that I come up with, if I were to do things on my own without involving Kerry, the results would not be near the quality or added pizzaz that he offers. He truly wants to please me. 

Things always work out better when God gets involved. I might have a good idea, but if I ask God to get involved and try to do things according to what I know is his will, my life works out way better. God doesn't always respond immediately either. I tend to get impatient, not realizing that in the waiting he has a plan. God has given us a great guidebook to follow, full of principles that make our lives so much better—if we will only follow them. If we will only read them. If we will only ask him to help us follow them. If we would only surround ourselves with people and environments that also encourage those same principles. 

God really does have our best interest in his heart, and he created marriage as a means to model his relationship with us. The fact that Kerry goes out of his way to please me should be no surprise, because his job is to love me as Christ loves the church. That is a mighty powerful, self-sacrificing kind of love. Not perfect, of course, but Kerry does a pretty good job of putting me first. I can relax, knowing that he has my best interest in mind. Same for God. He has my best interest in mind and wants me to be the very best at my end of our relationship. Of course God is not a fairy godfather that I can expect to grant my wishes. Oh, he is so much more than that! And I can trust him with every area of my life, because he loves me with a love that I can’t even comprehend. We need to love our spouses like that. That is one of the principles that he gives us in his very wonderful and life-giving Word.

He’s a good, good Father!

Give Yourself This Gift

Today is my birthday, and I woke up pretty early with you on my mind. I talk to you in my mind often, hoping that you are busy at being the best spouse you can be. I don’t know why it’s so important to me that you have a great marriage. Maybe it’s because I hear of so many marriages that could be so much better than they are if the couple would only practice basic principals of consideration for one another and develop habits that would foster good communication. Maybe it’s because I have seen my own marriage flourish because we adhere to these principles and habits.

I have said so often that the Bible has the answers to most of life’s problems. In fact, I can’t think of any situation that the Bible wouldn’t be helpful with our day-to-day issues, and the art of marriage is definitely found in the treasures of God’s Word. Perhaps one of the key principles is in the Golden Rule. Are you treating your spouse the way you would love to be treated? Are you putting your own desires ahead of your wife? Are you speaking to your husband with a loving tone or a nagging one? Do you ever speak to your spouse in a demeaning way? Do you check yourself on how you are doing in your quest to be the best partner you can be?

I have been thinking a lot about how a husband and wife talk to each other. Sometimes when you are tired or stressed or even preoccupied it would be easy to snap at the one you love the most. If that is a habit for you, do everything you can to change. If you take this to God in prayer I really believe he will honor that, because it is his good and perfect will for you. I think it’s a good idea to make a pact with each other to begin the habit of only being gentle and kind with one another. If one of you feels like the tone or the rhetoric is off, you can come up with a fun phrase to let the other one know so he or she can check it and nip it right there. It will become second nature to speak in loving tones with one another and that will create a safe and respectful environment. If you have children, it is vital for them to see kindness modeled by their parents. 

So this is my birthday gift to you. It’s an investment in a lifetime adventure with the person you promised to love and cherish for the rest of your life. It’s intentional. It’s at times self-sacrificing. It will probably involve working on your own heart. The reward will never stop, because not only will your spouse be happier, but you will be a happier, more peaceful person.

Proverbs 16:24 (NIV), “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” 

Luke 6:45 (NIV), “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”