Pick Your Fruit

I’m sure you have heard the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” My mom used to say that to my siblings and me when we were young. I’m sure I said it to our girls while they were growing up. "Yeah, yeah", you may say, "nice platitude to tell your kids, but I don't think too much about that one now." But God has weighed in on that one too, not just Mom. He says in Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who will listen.” 

How do we apply that verse in marriage? It’s hard to keep unwholesome talk from coming out of my mouth when I am irritated with my spouse. How can I hold my hurtful words back? I would say the answer is to build some spiritual muscle and employ of one of the fruits of the Spirit: self control. Ask yourself if what you are about to say will improve the situation or just make you feel better because you vented. And did that vent build up your spouse or tear down and hurt feelings? And did you feel better after you said it?

When you are married, you are a team and when one of you is down, the team suffers. We need to practice building each other up, not tearing down. And like any other thing we practice, we have to make a choice to make the effort. It’s so easy to just spout off and react to a negative situation, but it takes self control and being intentional to say something that will improve the situation. After a little practice, this comes a lot easier.

I had a recent conversation with my grand daughter and we were talking about pleasing God by treating others with love. She said that she wouldn’t be able to always do that because she isn’t perfect. At first I acknowledged that none of us are perfect and of course she wouldn’t always get it right. But as the conversation continued, I realized that she was using that as an excuse. I thought about how often we as adults try that one on. I don’t find anywhere in Scripture where God gives us that out. Can you imagine facing God and saying, “Well, I said some pretty rough things to the person you entrusted me with to honor and cherish but, hey, I’m not perfect.”

Notice that this verse says to build others up according to their needs, not our needs. How often in a conflict are we thinking of the needs of our spouse, or are we just thinking about how I didn’t get what I wanted? I’m not saying this is easy. But when your spouse does something that irritates you, can you just pause to try and understand where this is coming from? And maybe give a little grace?

Communication is so very important to marriage, but if it is done in a way that tears down and inflicts emotional injury, that is only one-sided communication. I have communicated to you that you are not meeting my expectations. Not the best for building up your marriage. Just pause and think before you say it. Will this be beneficial for both of us? Then we both win.

Sticks and Stones

“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” I wonder where that phrase originated. Maybe it was a self defense from a bully. While it is true that sticks and stones can break bones, it is certainly false that words can never hurt us. I think in most cases words can hurt more than sticks and stones, because often the body heals quicker and easier than our feelings. I don’t think many of us would throw stones at our spouse or beat him or her with a stick, but how often do we throw hurtful words out without a thought of the effect it will have? I think sometimes it’s because at the time we don’t really care about how it hurts our spouse—maybe we want it to hurt. Conflict is an inevitable part of relationship, but handling it with hurtful words is never a way to resolve it.  

How I treat my spouse is a reflection of what is going on in my heart. It is frightful what lies within my heart when I leave it unchecked and let it go to its own nature. It is always my choice to build up or tear down with my words. James, the brother of Jesus, addressed the power of the tongue in the book of James. He says even though it’s a small part of the body, it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. James 3: 9, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.” 

I have been entrusted with the most intimate of relationships—two becoming one—and God wants me to reflect his love to my spouse. That is huge! So I need to ask myself: how am I doing with what God has entrusted to me—the heart of my spouse? If God is using me to be his voice, speaking his love, am I communicating that in a way that would meet with his approval? I have a choice to make about my words, and the Holy Spirit stands ready and willing to enable me to overcome whatever is driving me to strike out. I have been given grace upon grace from Jesus and I can only respond by giving grace to others, especially my spouse. I want to only speak words that build up, not tear down.

“Let the words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:4 (NIV)

Above and Beyond

Things always work out better when Kerry gets involved, and the pictures above are a perfect example. I love to garden, and Kerry does not. He thinks it’s much more practical to go to the farmer’s market to buy produce, but it’s in my blood to play in the dirt. So when my huge tomato plant fell over the other day, I was in a panic. I asked him to help me get a stake put in to hold the cage upright. He didn’t respond right away, but eventually said he had a plan to secure all the plants so they could grow as high as they wanted to. So it might not look pretty to the observer, but it is beautiful to me.

Things always work out better when Kerry gets involved. In almost every plan that I come up with, if I were to do things on my own without involving Kerry, the results would not be near the quality or added pizzaz that he offers. He truly wants to please me. 

Things always work out better when God gets involved. I might have a good idea, but if I ask God to get involved and try to do things according to what I know is his will, my life works out way better. God doesn't always respond immediately either. I tend to get impatient, not realizing that in the waiting he has a plan. God has given us a great guidebook to follow, full of principles that make our lives so much better—if we will only follow them. If we will only read them. If we will only ask him to help us follow them. If we would only surround ourselves with people and environments that also encourage those same principles. 

God really does have our best interest in his heart, and he created marriage as a means to model his relationship with us. The fact that Kerry goes out of his way to please me should be no surprise, because his job is to love me as Christ loves the church. That is a mighty powerful, self-sacrificing kind of love. Not perfect, of course, but Kerry does a pretty good job of putting me first. I can relax, knowing that he has my best interest in mind. Same for God. He has my best interest in mind and wants me to be the very best at my end of our relationship. Of course God is not a fairy godfather that I can expect to grant my wishes. Oh, he is so much more than that! And I can trust him with every area of my life, because he loves me with a love that I can’t even comprehend. We need to love our spouses like that. That is one of the principles that he gives us in his very wonderful and life-giving Word.

He’s a good, good Father!

Give Yourself This Gift

Today is my birthday, and I woke up pretty early with you on my mind. I talk to you in my mind often, hoping that you are busy at being the best spouse you can be. I don’t know why it’s so important to me that you have a great marriage. Maybe it’s because I hear of so many marriages that could be so much better than they are if the couple would only practice basic principals of consideration for one another and develop habits that would foster good communication. Maybe it’s because I have seen my own marriage flourish because we adhere to these principles and habits.

I have said so often that the Bible has the answers to most of life’s problems. In fact, I can’t think of any situation that the Bible wouldn’t be helpful with our day-to-day issues, and the art of marriage is definitely found in the treasures of God’s Word. Perhaps one of the key principles is in the Golden Rule. Are you treating your spouse the way you would love to be treated? Are you putting your own desires ahead of your wife? Are you speaking to your husband with a loving tone or a nagging one? Do you ever speak to your spouse in a demeaning way? Do you check yourself on how you are doing in your quest to be the best partner you can be?

I have been thinking a lot about how a husband and wife talk to each other. Sometimes when you are tired or stressed or even preoccupied it would be easy to snap at the one you love the most. If that is a habit for you, do everything you can to change. If you take this to God in prayer I really believe he will honor that, because it is his good and perfect will for you. I think it’s a good idea to make a pact with each other to begin the habit of only being gentle and kind with one another. If one of you feels like the tone or the rhetoric is off, you can come up with a fun phrase to let the other one know so he or she can check it and nip it right there. It will become second nature to speak in loving tones with one another and that will create a safe and respectful environment. If you have children, it is vital for them to see kindness modeled by their parents. 

So this is my birthday gift to you. It’s an investment in a lifetime adventure with the person you promised to love and cherish for the rest of your life. It’s intentional. It’s at times self-sacrificing. It will probably involve working on your own heart. The reward will never stop, because not only will your spouse be happier, but you will be a happier, more peaceful person.

Proverbs 16:24 (NIV), “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” 

Luke 6:45 (NIV), “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”

Practice Makes Perfect

When we were children, we grew up hearing fairy tales with the princess or damsel getting rescued by her hero, who was often depicted riding on a white horse. The knight who fought to impress his lady came charging on a white horse. 

Guys—fairy tales aside, do you know that your wife really and truly does want to be rescued? She needs you to be her hero, to fight for her, to defend her, and to show her how much you cherish her.

Ladies—do you know that your husband wants to be assured that he is your hero? This world can really beat him up, tell him he is average, knock him off that charger. But, with your attitude and your words, you can put him right back up there and provide the respect your hero needs.

God gave us the gift of marriage, and one of the reasons he gave us such a precious gift is so that we can more fully understand his relationship to his followers. 

Have you ever noticed in the Bible how often Jesus is referred to as the Bridegroom? And we, the church, the people of God, are his bride. Jesus tells a parable in Matthew 25 about ten virgins waiting for their bridegroom and how important it is for them to be ready when he comes. More than once in the Gospels Jesus refers to himself as the bridegroom. In Ephesians 5, Paul compares the relationship between husband and wife to that of Christ and his church. He gives specific instructions for how husbands are to treat their wives and ways wives are to relate to their husbands. Done right, it makes for an extraordinary marriage. Don’t be mediocre! Worse, don’t be bad at it! Read the instructions and ask yourself if you are doing what God calls you, as a marriage partner, to be. And then ask your spouse how you could do a better job (and don’t be defensive if you don’t like what you hear). And then ask the Holy Spirit to help you be that person. In this life we are supposed to be practicing, with our spouses, so that we can be a perfect bride when we meet our Bridegroom. This is his plan for us. How is your practice going?

The most dramatic picture of Christ as the bridegroom is in Revelation 19:7–9, “‘Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure’—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.’”

Do you know that Jesus is coming back on a white horse? Revelation 19 reveals that Jesus appears, ready for battle (an easy battle for him), and his name is Faithful and True. Our Hero, King, Conquerer, Rescuer is going to come someday and make things right. He will put an end to all sin and injustice. This is true. How amazing that he creates in us the desire to be the rescued and the rescuer and, in the end, he will rescue us. 

At Easter, we celebrate that our Savior went to the horrible cross for us to rescue us from the power of sin. He rose from the grave to rescue us from the power of death. He gave us the Holy Spirit to live inside of us, empowering us to live a life of victory here on earth. And he will return to finally conquer evil, this time not on a colt but on a powerful white horse, as King of kings and Lord of lords. Hallelujah!

Performance Review

I heard someone speaking of marriage a couple of weeks ago and I loved what he said. It went something like this: “If it’s legal and moral, do everything you can to make your spouse happy.” To be clear, he was talking about giving of ourselves rather than material things. Gifts are great, but gifts should never take the place of giving something much more difficult—to relinquish our own desire to please ourselves for the benefit of pleasing our spouse. In other words, put your spouse first.

Are you willing to invest more to your marriage and sacrifice your own desires to please the one you love? Is there something your spouse needs from you that you can do better at providing? Maybe it’s a little dose of thoughtfulness. Maybe it’s to communicate a little better or to share your thoughts. Maybe it’s to ask what is going on in your honey’s life. Maybe it’s to show respect a little more often. Maybe it’s to stop being so critical. Maybe it’s simply to sit down and spend some face-to-face and heart-to-heart together. Maybe it’s a little more intimacy. We have goals and check-ups on every other area of our lives. Why not a check on how I’m doing as a husband or wife?

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a devoted Elvis fan. But there is a song he used to sing that has got me crazy when I think about the words to it. You’ve heard it, it’s called “You Were Always On My Mind.” The words to the song sank in one day not too long ago—“Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have. Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have. Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time. You were always on my mind.”

Seriously? This is a sad and ridiculous song when you realize the regret and the opportunities missed. The song goes on: “Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times. And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine. If I make you feel second best, girl, I'm sorry, I was blind. You were always on my mind.”

This is pretty extreme, and I’m sure it’s nothing like your relationship. But I know that things can and do end up in broken promises and disregarded vows for couples far too many times. It happens slowly and unintentionally. Like that frog in boiling water. It’s so important to keep your spouse front and center and not take the one you love the most for granted. And it’s so important that the one you love the most is not yourself!

Practice the art of self-giving and try to think up little things that will please your spouse. It can be a fun game you play with yourself that could become a habit for life. Thoughtfulness doesn’t need to be expensive, and it should be a way of life. How important it is for your children to see this modeled by their parents! It makes for a happy and healthy home.

Examine your attitude on a regular basis to make sure you have not begun the bad habit of being critical. This can be out loud or internal. Either way, it’s toxic and leads to discontent. You are responsible for your attitude and you can make it go either way. God is ready and willing to help on that one!

It’s a good idea to have heart-to-hearts on a regular basis and get an evaluation of how your partner is feeling about things in general. Often, just verbalizing feelings can be helpful, and it’s so important in communication. I believe we call that being assertive. Your spouse should never feel second best. You should be giving your best!

Finally, here is real inspiration for putting your honey first:

Philippians 2:3–4: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Don’t be like Elvis. It didn’t end well. 

In Training

I used to play tennis all the time. I loved playing singles, maybe because I knew that if I messed up I was the one to blame and I alone was affected by my mistakes or laziness. Playing doubles was harder, because I was accountable to someone else and I had to be aware of how my actions affected my partner. Lately, I have been relating the game of doubles to marriage. Kerry and I always refer to a married couple as a team, on the same side, with the same goal of a thriving marriage. In order for a team to excel, it needs to train.

 The first thing I did when I became interested in tennis was to begin taking lessons from someone who knew how to play the sport. I was never an athlete growing up, and the whole sports thing was foreign to me. So it really wasn’t natural for me to use correct form or even to make a great effort to hit that little ball. It took work to develop the correct form and strategy to win a match. So my coach was there to point out times when I would make mistakes or when I would not make enough effort to get the win. I didn’t get mad at him for pointing my mistakes out—I was paying him. Improving my game was a priority to me.

I have always wondered why married people put very little effort into learning how to be better at marriage. Just like sports was not natural for me, I think living with another person and sharing an unselfish life is not a natural thing. If I want to improve my relationship, I have to be intentional. I have to practice, and tips and instruction are always beneficial and inspirational. There are great podcasts, books, videos, and counselors available for married people and yet most don't take advantage of these resources.

When I first began to take lessons on doubles, our coach would tell me to imagine that there is a cord connecting me to my partner. When one moves, the other moves in tandem. As partners, we would need to stay on our toes and be aware of what the other one was doing, covering the court wisely so that our opponents couldn’t smash the ball in between us. We would move together with the same goal. I also believe this is important in raising children. So often parents don’t move together—and the child certainly knows it, often using it to his or her own advantage. Makes it pretty easy for the enemy’s ball to get into the court.

It was crucial for me to have a right relationship with my partner, and when I made mistakes, I would own them and try my best to improve. I also would encourage her when she was having a bad game and tell her that I believed in her. She was on MY team; it was wise that I would encourage and support her, because that was the best way for her to shake off the funk she was in. If I rolled my eyes when she messed up or criticized her, she would probably lose even more confidence. I remember women who would blame their partners for everything that went wrong and never take responsibility. Most people did not want those women for partners. A lot of pride was involved there, along with selfishness and unwillingness to cooperate.

Be a good partner! Stay connected to your spouse. Keep the cord of communication between you healthy and strong. Get help from a coach if you need it. It is such a good idea to find a couple whose marriage you admire and ask them to invest in your marriage. Be a good team player. The win is big: a strong, healthy, fun marriage!

Proverbs 13:10 (NIV), “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”